People always assume the worst out of somebody. This is inbuilt, in me, especially. Which contradicts what I do to rectify it. I try my best to squeeze something good out of those people and hang on it, telling myself they are allowed to be like that, to try my best not to judge them, pin a little bit of hopes on them.

I view whatever I went through all as stepping stones to what I am going to be and honestly, I do not think I view myself the same way people view me. You know, like I am living my life, I feel this out of body experience where I mould myself to be a certain way but somehow or rather, I cannot identify myself with it. People always say, 'Be Yourself'. What if I do not know myself? 'Do what your heart tells you'. Cut me the crap. The heart cannot be counted on for anything. Let me digress.

They cannot invent viagra for woman because, I quote, 'Women are too complicated'. And this is scientific! This, about the most natural aspect about mankind. Reproduction and we are too complicated. What's so tough, right? U put it in, they cum, we get baby. Done.

Ok, back to the point, if something so simple and barbaric is deemed complicated for top notch scientists, what about emotions. Relationships between woman and woman. Friends. My gosh, no wonder guys are petrified. No caveman ever ran away from cave woman. But now, they do because we are so complicated, we try to understand things by coming up with complicating theories and talk them out with our girlfriends who will come up with THEIR complicating theories and then emotions come. And.... you get the picture.

This post in itself is another complicating theory.

More often than not, I am called up at odd hours at different points of time when friends will call me when they need advice, when they need cheering up, when they need someone there when everyone turn their backs to them. But the second they think that their life is going well and they got a strong head on their shoulders, POOF! they are gone. Did they even bother asking, 'Hey, joo/ika/zulaikha/aunt agony, how are you? What's up? Like really...' No. Never.

And stupid lil me is kept missing them, and hoping that something's wrong just so I can have that bond with them again. But NOPE. I take my time out, my effort out, i take the trouble to FEEL them, my eyebrows furrow till it hurts but would they even take the time out to even do that for me? And then, I want them to do the same but get this, I FEEL GUILTY. Everytime I cannot do that, they make me sound like I am the bad one, that I SHOULD have been there.

But, the moral of the story is... I am done. I am going to surround myself with people who care. Care about this talkative, stupid lil girl enough to even make time to sit down and have a cup of coffee. I don't even care if it's the canned Nescafe in 7-11. Not because they are bored, or their boyfriends, grandmother, other more 'happening' friends are not there but because they truly care. I might sound selfish but HELL, I am allowed to feel selfish.

In another more cheerful note, I am blessed with people who does. A selected handpicked few but that's all I need.

And I am proud to say that I will truly go the extra mile for them, no matter what. If you are sick, I'll book you an appointment.

They should have a movie called the Band of Sisters.