-Musings

Today, as I was walking back home from tuition, I saw my dad's car turn into the carpark. Due to my reflex action, I hid and viewed them from afar. I saw my mum emerge from the car and walked into my lift lobby with heavy looking plastic bags. At the same time, I see my dad with a couple of bags. I could see from where I was standing that he was reprimanding my mum once again. It has been months, really.

And today, my mum asked me to accompany her to buy some groceries in EconMinimart. Suprisingly, it was an alibi for her to confide in me what she could not confide to the husband, her partner for almost 20 years. One thing that hit me was that she could not remember when they got married. I told her, I never remember dates like that too. I mean, once you are in a relationship, does how long really matter?She informed me of the truth of what is happening to this house. About how suffocated she felt. About how drastic it was to lose the love of her life(my real dad who passed away when I was 5, i think). From a woman's point of view, she told me that my real dad(papa) never restricted her and always thought about her before him at all times. About how, when she was in her wild days(which resembles me now), she loved the fact that they could talk about everything under the sun and still had the passion of teenagers(overshare). She was brave and so was he. You know the saying, behind every successful man, there is a strong woman? Well, in this case, behind every strong woman, there is a hope in the memories of life lessons learnt.While talking to me, she was reminding herself that her years with my step-dad have been reduced to plain survival. She pish-poshed love and said that it was something she never could attain anymore(apart from the growing love she has for us). She felt sorry for herself. I would too, if I worked 364 days a week non stop, doing things that takes 3 men to do.I held her rough hands and her nail(that dun look it anymore) and just listened.

And I thought, the power of a spouse. I don't think that what I don't have right now is my weakness. Instead, the more my home is just a roof on top of our heads, which means practically just a house, the more I pine for a real family. You know, the kind where you really feel free in. And while, other people are complaining about how they don't have SCV or something as trivial as that, I look at my bedroom and count my blessings. As life have taught me one thing in my measly 19 years of my life, that is tomorrow could be different.

As we walked back home, I see my mum transform into a dutiful Indian wife and smiled sadly. What a woman. What a facade all in the name of survival. A daughter who is schooling, a son who still hasn't got a strong head on his shoulders. She has no choice. I fear saying anything more because privacy is still important though I always say I am an open book. Because judgements suck.

People do not realise why I sometimes overlook things that people who matter to me does. I believe every thing has its timing and I do not want to be a driving force, I want to be the person who has your back when you fall. For eg, my brother might not be the most responsible or a role model sometimes but I respect the fact that he was there when no one else was. When people say something about my mum, it doesn't piss me off as much as when they say something about my brother(which is your death wish, seriously because I will kill you). I might be too hopeful when I say this but we only got each other, tied by blood. And for the most important person, my god mum, I really hope that when the ball is in my court, I will wipe the pain of having your daughter taken away from you when it is my time.

I have short term ambitions for myself and for the people I love. The long term? Is a blueprint enough because I don't like to hope for the future so much, though sometimes I think about it when I go to sleep and will smile.

This is not my sad story, believe me, there are sadder issues in my life. But one of the many things Regan has taught me is not to dwell on things and come up with a solution and take the reigns of my own life. Which brings me from the past, present to the... future. A girl can dream, right? Let's just say that I cannot imagine being without Regan. He calms me down, shush me up and help me just by being himself. It is refreshing to see someone so 'moving forward' and together. The past and cynical thinking always catches up on me and being with him allows me to breathe better, laugh harder and gives me the freedom to be softer as an individual. I adore him like mad and will still continue to adore him as a person when say, in the future, we may not be together. CHOY!

Oh well. Life's a fuckbrain.

p.s: I cannot believe you read all of that. Cool shit.